An Unheard Farewell

Dear Papa Boy,

Hi. Hehe, don't really know how to start this. You don't even get the chance to read this. Though it is my fault, because now I'll never have the chance to say this to you.

Papa Boy, we weren't very close. I didn't get to see you very often and we didn't hang around each other much. But I do remember the few times we did. I enjoyed them, and I wish I got to do more with you. But that's in the past now. I know you are very loved, Papa. So many people love you and have so many good things to say about you. I wish I got to know more of that, but I do know that you are a very loving person. You would always greet my on my birthdays and congratulate me with whatever I earned. I appreciated that.

You're in a way better place now Papa, and I'm glad that you don't have to suffer anymore. I didn't know how well you were doing, but Dad said you still kept an upbeat attitude. I wasn't surprised to hear that. That sounded so like you. That's how I'm trying to be like you. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad and all gloomy about you being gone. So I'm trying my best not to be.

Papa, I'll do my best to keep up that kind of an attitude. I've hit many slumps, but I won't let that get to me.

I will miss you Papa. I do miss you.

Rest in peace.

I love you.

Unsuccessful Success

I never thought the day would come when I'd get an A in math. Even my mom was taken aback. I probably have two As and two Bs this semester. Well, one is borderline A but still almost a B. Considering that it's my first semester of college, I'm doing quite well. But I don't feel it. I don't feel accomplished all. Maybe because that's all I've got going for me; good grades. It was only recently that I realized that underlying jealousy I had of several people, each reason varying. Whether they've done one or more things, I just feel that they've accomplished so much more.

 I started really thinking about this as I sat in JJ's room last Saturday while she was out preparing for her band competition. I saw the several medals she had won from band hanging from behind her door, the four instruments she could play (some which she learned on her own) on the other side of the room; Piano, flute, guitar, and drums. It was not something we ever said out loud, but we've always in one way or another competed with each other. Whether she is aware of that or not, I don't know. It could be unintentional, but there are things she does compare with me, like friends, schoolwork, hobbies. Before, it was simply just trying to copy me (which I found both annoying and cute), but now it seems a little more different. I acknowledge her skill though, she is good. I see no need for such a competition, but maybe it's because we treat each other like siblings that we have this silly sibling rivalry. Though before it was just us fighting over her mother/my grandmother. But damn has this girl gone far. Always top of the class and always excelling in everything she does. I feel terribly that I feel jealous of her. I am proud of her. I am very, very, proud of her, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth for it to be accompanied by this feeling of envy. Stupidly, I even envy her wishlist. Not because I want the things she wants, but because she actually wants something, and her writing it down and posting it on her wall shows her motivation to get them.

Ihave no such thing. Maybe it's because for the longest time, I've always told myself that I want nothing, that I don't want to bother my parents with what I want. Even with things like sports or hobbies, because such things always cost something in one way or another, I never wanted to ask for them. I can't blame it on just finances though. Maybe I never really fought for them. I was never an active person, just very passive. But at the same time, I was just scared of my parents (mainly my mom) of saying no. For some odd reason, I'm just so scared of hearing her say it. Maybe it's because whenever she says no, she makes it sound like what I'm asking is a mistake. But bottom line is, it's my lack of will that is at fault. I'm at fault. My grandmother offered to have my learn piano, but I was dumb and said I didn't want to learn piano, because I didn't want to do what everyone else was doing. I regret that now though, because I think the piano is a beautiful instrument and to know how to play songs other than Mary had a Little Lamb would be great.

Right, I was speaking of envy. I envy my friends as well. They all have friends, even my carpool, who is as new to this college as I am has a group of her own. I just speak to my seatmates, but even with them I sense no inclination to get any closer than that. My friends have also done so much more than I, with their clubs and whatnot. They've learned a new martial art, have climbed mountains and so on. They have all done something in 6 months. I just improved my GPA.

Well, now I do have more opportunities to do so, and I'm a lot more motivated to do so, but I'm still adjusting to that. Even my mom seems to be more encouraging me more. My grades may be making her proud, but I want to do so much more than that. I want her to have things to say about me. I know it's embarrassing for her to talk about me with her friends when they ask about me, because there's nothing she can dish out.

Now that I look back at this entry, what the hell am I thinking? I'm going to change this. I'm going to stop being a passive, lazy ass and get myself moving. There ARE things that I want, and maybe it's about time I wrote them down and tacked them to my wall and start doing something about it.

Laptop Thief

Stole Little Fog's laptop :> Mine wouldn't connect to the internet : / So I'm sleeping over at my grandparents' place today to spend some more time with my greatgrandma before she leaves.

Right! There was this dream I wanted to talk about. So some of my friends from beckman there, but the one that appeared the most was F. We studied in the same college. He, for some reason, joined the Pirate Club.  I was happy for the guy, it looked like fun and he looked like he was enjoying himself. But for some reason, it made it harder for me to hang out with him. He would try to get me to hang out with him and his pirate friends, but they kind of left me out somehow. And he had this weird talking pet thing that totally hated me. Later on while he was out on some treasure hunt, his pet started taunting me, saying that F didn't want to be friends with me and that he found me annoying to be around. That kinda made me tear up, but I don't think I actually cried. But it wasn't just him though. Even my other friends had their own groups. I was so sad that even F's pet that loathed me started to pity me. Am I so upset about not having friends that I'm dreaming about it? Crap, that's pathetic.

4 procrastimonths later

Never really was good with titles. But reeeeeeeally? 4 months since I wrote anything? Geez, I wanted to do this daily to improve my writing skills, but clearly I'm not that motivated to do so. Maybe that's why I always get B's for essays. Well, guess I gotta make up 4 months worth of it. As if I even remember what has transpired in the past few weeks.


In terms of school, nothing new. Really. There's nothing interesting going on in that section of my life. Though I do feel closer to a friend I made in LBST. In Math I also made a friend, pretty nice girl. In HCOM I do sorta talk to this one girl, but for HIST? Nah. Well, I found out I had a classmate in Math who was there too, but we don't talk much. And yes, all of these people are girls. Guys? I dunno. I seriously think I repel them. But I managed to make two friends in high school, so it's not a lost cause. It'd be nice to just make friends anyway, no matter the gender. Other than this...nothing really. Classes are going fine. I've got good grades so far. Yay me. Going to start picking classes for next semester soon. Need to figure out the timing and all with my CP. Never wanted to learn how to drive so much before. I could probably join clubs/orgs if I had my own car. No offense CP, I enjoy riding with you. It just limits me a bit.


Dad M went back to Manila for work. He'll be back in December. It is kinda sad watching Glee and our other family shows without him, but I'm glad for him too. He gets too meet and hang with his granddaughter, and he gets to act again. I'm sure he missed it. So I'll be living with just Mom till then. Dun dun duuuuun--just kidding. It's really not that ba--well, just a bit for now since she's stressed with our relatives staying over and all. So I understand. After all that's done with though, which would be next week, she'll hopefully settle down by then. Mom's best when not stressed~ Looky! A rhyme!




Ach! (I've been using that and "bah" lately after reading Maus. Vladek how you influence me.) I actually need to run so I'll have to postpone this for a bit. Got to meet up with CP. 4 hours of trying to find things to do till our meeting. Oh the joy.


And I return after about 2 hours. Had lunch at Chipottle with CP and her friend. It was fun. Her friend is very interesting, and Filipino too! Very different from the friends I've made so far, but she seems like a lot of fun. I just smell like Mexican food now. I need a drink. But anyway, back to my updating.


So the Reyes family is here! Some of them will be leaving this weekend, however my greatgrandmother and my mom's ninang are leaving next wednesday. I might actually miss the noise. Though I would like to sleep on a bed again.


....I think that's it. I can't think of anything else to say. I'll try posting again tomorrow. Try to anyway. Really. I will.

What the freaking hell

What is up with this weekend? It's just more crap after another. Is this karma or something? I mean really. I get orange juice spilled on me on the plane, get hit by a cork by another flight attendant, and then I lose my freaking bag. Then I get these upsetting and weird messages from my mom, for something I didn't do because I was told not to. And it wasn't even connected. Then things get kinda better, then bam. Message from Tita C.


I'm at my tita's place. I can't just ask them to drive me to a place two hours away and pick me up again. Some of them drove hours away just to get here. And they were preparing for the party today. Ok, so others drove 5 hours. They PLANNED to. I told them I wasn't sure if I could come, but I would try. Had they been free, I would have. I just really didn't understand that message. Especially the last line. So now even she's giving me beef? Grandparents first, then mom, then her? Can't I enjoy my vacation? What the hell. And now I'm in a bad mood and it's ruining it for others. Geez. I just really don't want to care anymore. So many ridiculous and unnecessary  arguments.

It's the night of all nights~

Or so I thought. The only really fun thing about prom is dressing up and seeing your friends dress up. The rest is just meh. All I could focus on was the pain in my feet. I love my shoes, but damn do they hurt. So today was pretty...interesting.


First off, I finally got my hair cut. Sad thing is, the girl SUCKED. Not kidding. I'm no stylist, but even I remember how my former ones cut my hair, and she totally didn't do what they did. I thought maybe she just had her own style, but nope, she didn't get what my mom and I wanted. One, She totally didn't fix my bangs. Two, she didn't properly layer my hair, so the back looks weird and the front is just....semilayered. Three, she was supposed to thin my hair, but that didn't really happen. Well, it's not that big a deal for me. It's still thinner than before and lighter since it's short, but I was hoping it'd at least look nice. She was supposed to curl my hair too for prom, but she didn't. She...straightened it. When my mom asked why it was like that, when she gave specific instructions and the girl just kept giving weird excuses. Like my mom was saying "I was telling you that I wanted to layer her hair like how the back of mine looks. And you said 'yes I'll do that'." And she said "But your hair is long." My mom and I were just like : ||||||| "Her hair WAS long." I mean seriously? I could make a scarf out of my hair. What kind of response was that man? She was rushing because there was another customer. But uh, who the hell connects their appointments like that? We told her my hair was long, obviously 1 hour wouldn't be enough. And we told her that we wanted to curl it too so she can't blame us for being ten minutes late, because even when she did get to do an hour she didn't finish it. So in the end, she didn't charge us. It was obvious that she just wanted us to leave.


Mom wanted to kill her soooo badly. Since she didn't fix my hair, mom had to do it for me which was what she wanted to avoid. Thus the reason for having it curled at the salon. So it took us longer to prep and I missed the group pictures at the park. At least I made it to dinner. I knew like, 4 out of the 14 people present. So I didn't really talk much. Guess that was part of why I didn't really enjoy it. I also got separated from them a lot at the venue. So a lot of times I was just sitting down alone. I did dance with them until my feet hurt though.


And oh. god. Most awkward thing ever. One of the guys in our group who I didn't know asked if I wanted to dance. I thought, "Aw how nice of him" since I was just sitting there. I thought it was a normal dance. But no, it was how everyone ELSE danced. And I did NOT like it. The guy just goes behind the girl with his hands on their waist and they sway or grind or whatever. Thankfully with us it was just swaying. But as soon as he got behind me I thought "WHAT.THE.FUCK.ARE.YOU.DOING.THERE." Not kidding, my face was one of absolute terror. I know he didn't mean anything bad, it's what everyone does. BUT REALLY. My bubble was breached. It was mostly the fact that I just freaking met the dude. If it was a friend---wait no. I'd still want him in front of me. Really, at first I was facing the guy, then he just moves behind me. And it gets effing awkward. I couldn't just run though, so I danced for a few minutes, and when the timing was right I said thanks but my feet hurt so kthnxbai and I escaped. I felt so VIOLATED. Ugh. Never. doing. that. again. Ever.


So that about sums up my day. Now back to school crap. So many projects. Uuuuuuuugh. And cat dissection. UUUUUUUUGH.

I'm still alive

Wow, really? Haven't updated in almost a month? So much for dedication. Then again it's not like anything exciting has been happening. I actually had something I wanted to write about a while ago, but I forgot. Oops.


Oh right! I got in to CSU Fullerton. I find out two days before enrollment. Great timing. Oh! And apparently I have to take an assessment test this Saturday. Whoop-dee-doo~ Ugh, so many expenses. I have to pay $250 for enrollment and $50 for prom. My friends also want to get, well actually already reserved, a limo, which costs $68. I still need to pay the remaining $95 for track, as well as pay for my grad pictures. How I HATE spending. Crap I need to start looking for more scholarships too. I actually missed a whole lot already.  Aaaaah regret. Better start now then.